Every person is at least 75% responsible for how others treat them. Our verbal and nonverbal actions limit or expand the options of others. For example, if someone asks, “How are you?” as he or she walks by, you know better than to turn around and walk with them in order to provide an extensive answer. By continuing to walk past, the person signals that only a nod or brief reply is expected. However, if that person were to stop and look you in the eye when asking the same question, your options change. Their behavior has invited more than a reflexive answer.
We’re all creatures of habit, and communication patterns help us avoid having to think about everything we utter. But when we slip into patterns solely because we’ve failed to develop other response choices, we become predictable. If you are known for a tendency to avoid conflict, for example, others can generate conditions that will cause you to pull back, apologize, or walk away. You abdicate a portion of your 75% responsibility. That’s not good!
Highly political work arenas require a degree of street smarts to survive and thrive. It’s important to know effective ways of responding to tough situations.
Reframe — Cast the issue in a different light. If someone says, “I don’t want to fight about this,” a useful reframe of that comment is, “This is a debate, certainly not a fight. And you’re a good debater, as I recall.”
Rephrase — Say the words in a different, less negative way. Should someone accuse you of having come on too strongly in a meeting, you might reply, “I was passionate.” If you’re described as stubborn, you could say, “I’m very determined when something is important to a successful effort.”
Revisit — Use an earlier success to redefine a current failure.“We have a good track record working together. No reason to change that now.”
Restate — Clarify or redirect negative wording.“Surely there’s another way to say that” or “Did you mean what I think I heard?” are useful ways to encourage a person to reconsider and alter what was said.
Request — Ask a question. “Would you clarify for me what you meant just then?”
Rebalance — Adjust the other person’s power.“Fortunately, I’m not easily offended, especially by one-off situations like this.”
Reorganize — Change the priority of the issues. “We seem to agree on the what but are having some difficulty with the how.”
https://hbr.org/2016/05/7-things-to-say-when-a-conversation-turns-negative
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